Pixie in Paradise

I knew when I came to Belize that it would be for five months or fifty years. That has been my current mantra and response when people ask me where I am or where I’m headed and for how long. I don’t know anymore quite frankly and I don’t want to know the specifics. The whole point of this international walkabout was to gain some perspective on my overly stressful, over-scheduled urban Western Culture life and slow down, reassess to see if I could find more peace, find more passion in my work – which for me is my own personal writing. Of course therein lies one of the biggest problems: who’s going to pay me enough for my own writing to keep me financially abundant enough to subsist this way?

From the time I returned to my island in Belize from Costa Rica last month, I had a feeling I would try to go back and spend some more time in that  unique and special country. Since the amount of time I have to travel abroad probably isn’t indefinite, I needed to make arrangements back there sooner, rather than later. I scheduled travel for the very end of November to spend a month on the Caribbean side of Costa Rica but as we all know plans change. Things happen and things did, and those things made me think it best to return to Costa Rica sooner, three weeks sooner, specifically. In addition to my gut feeling that I should head south now, there was also only one flight out of Belize City to Costa Rica, with a stop in Panama City first on my preferred airline. 

The arrangements were made quickly so I started to pack my contents in this two-bedroom apartment that I consider my current home, and leave in FOUR days. I came to Caye Caulker 90 days ago with two large suitcases, a medium one, a carry-on and one big laptop backpack. Five items all stuffed as full as they could get, around 300 pounds of my most valuable and useful possessions – for island living. I now had to leave with less than one hundred pounds between three items: one large suitcase, one carry-on and one backpack. But you know what?  It’s just “stuff.” When you travel a lot, “stuff” just weighs you down; only the essentials are essential and I’ve definitely learned that already in 90 days. What really makes me sad is that I won’t have time to say goodbye to all of the people that are part of my life here, that have impacted me in some way, as I know I have them. I’m grateful that some of them have already told me so, and if they haven’t verbalized it, many of them have let me know in their own quirky island way.

Everything is coming with mixed emotions as I order my last five-gallon water bottle delivery  from the kid who flies down the street with his red scooter and trailer, carrying large water bottles for the whole island. For $4 BZD he carries one of those up to my second story apartment and heave-hoes it onto the water jug base. Going to “my cafe” and saying goodbye to everyone, including Princess the cat, will no doubt be hard. The last water taxi or flight out of here will be extremely emotional. And while I’ll return to Belize, I’m not sure when or how soon that will be, if I’ll be able to do it before needing to return back to the States. Back in Tucson I miss my cat, I miss my friends, I’m still a fan of hot water and throwing used toilet paper into the toilet and not into a garbage can. There’s still parts of me that are very much North American/Western Culture, but these new parts, the Central American ones, haven’t had time to fully develop or integrate themselves yet, which will in turn shape me into a better, more well-rounded human. (I know, even better than you are now, Kim? Impossible). There are a ton of lessons in all of this and I am absolutely here and present for them. ALL of them. Nothing that has happened while I’ve been away should have or could have been prevented or modified or made better or worse. Everything has happened as it should, I’ve encountered all the characters and colors and sights and sounds in the exact way god/the Universe has wanted to reveal them to me. The challenges of life here versus back home, learning to communicate with wildly different cultures in terms of standard or quality of living, all of this has been so eye-opening and wonderful and necessary to push me to the next level that I am supposed to be at, to become. And despite crazy moments, funny moments, scary ones, tropical illnesses, to address my initial goal above, YES, I have found more peace! I have found it inside myself! Well shit. That sounds so fucking cheesy doesn’t it? But I did. I might not have found it so quickly – or ever – if all the events of the last 90 days had not unfolded the way they did and it feels amazing. Wow. May we all find this level of peace and contentment. I’m not leaving the island because I’m chasing this peace because it’s inside of me and it’s going where I’m going. It will just ride alongside the little neurotic bits of me too that are still there that we’ve grown to love but hey, at least it’s all there. 

And I would never have come to be the person I am now, having not stepped on that airplane in Tucson on August 14th, headed for Belize. So now, today, as I step onto another plane for another country to meet more new people, make connections, integrate into a new culture and community again, I hope the locals and non-local citizens of Caye Caulker, Belize, know how much I love them and how much they taught me, for better or worse.

October 10, 2023: Iguana Reef, Caye Caulker Island.