Pixie in Paradise

I’ve had writer’s block for almost a week. Granted, I’ve been busy. Busy, where I’ve needed extra brain power, so that could explain the absence of creativity. I’m needing to hold down a corporate job again, as many people do, to keep their cats in the lifestyle to which they are accustomed. I just walked out of the jungle one month ago and corporate America and swinging monkeys are two very opposing ideas. Well, maybe not entirely because sometimes it does feel like we’re all clinging to a branch, throwing wild ideas and bananas (and poop) at each other. 

I’ve been in some challenging interviews this week while also negotiating salaries with new job offers. I don’t like to negotiate a lot of things, something is or it isn’t, no negotiating. I’ll negotiate (compromise) social outings, where to go eat, or a bargain at a street fair, but a job offer is not one of them. I hate it. I feel like it’s similar to if I walked into a bar and told the bartender how much alcohol to put in my drink. Bitch, just let him do it, bottoms up and be merry. Similarly, if someone wants to ship me a laptop and pay me to do something with it, while throwing in medical insurance and retirement benefits, just take it!

Laptops, monkeys, bananas, full-time jobs. Oh my.

And now these two opposing forces are very much competing inside of every fiber of my being: 9 to 5 job versus jungle. Paid corporate gig versus unpaid writer in tropical paradise. Believe me when I tell you those concepts will all collide and turn into my dream calling…just not quite yet. Remembering to move through life with this knowledge is serving me well and I wish I always had: whatever is meant for you will be. There is no need to force anything on a self-opposed timeline. It will or won’t happen when it’s supposed to, or not. Don’t force anything, it will flow to or through you; or, it will redirect around you for a very good reason. Just let “it” do its thing, but also dream, be creative and have goals. (And hydrate, get some movement and don’t forget to call your mother.)

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In addition to the well-paying job, writing, my love of jungles and an ocean paradise, is of course the desire to travel as much as possible. This last year reminded me of my true gypsy nature, I’ve actually been that way my whole life. I used to move every one to four years just because I could, bored with familiar surroundings and needing a change of scenery but also never, ever feeling quite at home. I don’t know that I will ever have one place that will feel like home because I’ve traveled enough to take a part of each of those places with me everywhere. Each of those places has some element of home, and I carry them inside of me wherever I go. Because of my recent experience I feel very much at home in Central America. I wrote about taking places we’ve visited with us, in our hearts, while still living in Costa Rica. 

There was always that little gypsy in me and the past ten months were no different. I didn’t just pick up and stay in one place, I migrated a little during that time, from northern Central America to the south. I actually bounced as far north as Cancún, Mexico and as far south as Panamá City, Panamá. During that time I hopped from house to casita to cuarto (room). In total, I packed and moved my belongings over 25 times (that’s a low estimate), from August 2023 to April 2024. That much transition would send most people over the edge and I thought it would send me to Crazy Town too, but it didn’t. The lessons of resilience, endurance and flexibility were being learned during this time and each move got easier and easier. Near the end of my time there I did just want to be in my favorite residence, though: “the green casita,” Casa Trym. It was my favorite rental at the sweet little property I was at during the last five months of my journey. I nicknamed it “the honeymoon suite,” because Mo, my jungle cat and I, were the happiest in that location. We had jungle on one side and only one casita attached to the other side. He seemed most at ease and I was least bothered by human noise there too.

I stayed in the green casita on Playa Negra for almost two months before heading to San Jose, thinking I was about to head back to the US, but fortune smiled on me and I was asked to turn around and head back to Casa Vikingo for three extra months. This immense gift meant that I would hop between rentals when they were available. Apparently, the minute I left, a guest moved into mine and Mo’s space – for four months! She had stayed in a few different casitas at that property over the years and also felt that my favorite was her favorite as well. But again fortune smiled on me (and Mo) and the last two weeks of my stay in Costa Rica in March and April 2024, I was able to live in our green casita, at the end of the row where Mo and I could have a peaceful last few days together – and our own kitchen!

Packing and unpacking doesn’t even faze me anymore. In fact, I love it when I have two to three days’ notice before a move because it allows me to neatly pack everything tight and organized, wrapping precious items and getting all of my belongings in the right suitcase. Is that necessary? Absolutely not. I had three suitcases’ worth of items to my name. Who gives a rat’s ass if something went into the carry-on that could have gone into one of the larger ones? In theory, no one cares, but I have photocentric memory so I can mentally keep track of what went where with a high percentage of accuracy and it makes me feel better.

No, I’m not autistic or an idiot savant, the memory thing is just one of those quirks about me that I’m very grateful for. (There are so many quirks!) I visited a dear acquaintance of mine today – “B” – and she tried to convince me that I was autistic. I forget the nature of the conversation, but we dove into the quirkiness and my next move and goals. And of course the manuscript, that I’m going to somehow regurgitate from all of the amazing lessons and experiences I went through during the walkabout this last year.

We talked about the next place I’m headed, this one will have the potential to be a bit more long term than what I just accomplished in Belize and Costa Rica. Working and living in a country other than your own can be a little bit of a logistical nightmare. Taking that into consideration I’ve set my sights on a new location while still falling into an acceptable parameter to work in corporate America.

B told me that she is proud of, and amazed by, me for going and doing all of the things I want to do, including moving anywhere I want to be. She explained that she was born in Tucson and lived here all her life, and has no desire to move anywhere else. For B moving, and even vacationing, is highly stressful for her and she would prefer to stay at home where everything is familiar and comfortable.

The main theme of my last year is the opposite of “comfortable.” It would be more like, “uncomfortable,” “unpredictable,” and exciting, surprising, scary and wildly over-the-moon joyful. I will take all of those feelings any day, even if it comes with some discomfort. I was not made for a constant stream of “average,” “comfort,” or what people consider “normal.” I’ve known for such a long time that that will never be me, and my friend – this sweet, insightful little homebody – broke it down for me in one phrase. She said, 

“You are the sail, not the anchor.” 

This completely threw the assumption about my place in the world on its ear. I have to fight hard to feel grounded and have learned how to work on that over the years. It requires me to recharge after social gatherings at home, preferably squeezing a pet – or five. Unbeknownst to my poor animals, they’ve been emotional support pets their whole lives. Anxious? Squeeze that chihuahua. Sad? Grab that three-legged cat and kiss his head aggressively until the pain stops. The one time I’m an absolute anchor is while teaching a yoga class. My world could be crumbling – and it’s felt that way once or twice – but I can sit down on the yoga mat in front of my dear students and be their anchor, holding space for them.

B is in my group of magical, intuitive friends of Tucson. In my own mind I just lovingly call them “las brujas,” the witches. There are a lot of us brujas in this city. (No, not everyone is casting spells and stirring a cauldron with chicken feet and rat whiskers in it. Some of us just believe in the supernatural power of the elements, and energy, nature and things we cannot see. Again, many people consider that faith.) I am not close or even acquainted with most of these people, but we tend to recognize each other pretty easily and when we  do, a bond of some sort is usually formed. That’s how my relationship is with B. I seriously don’t even think we’ve been in the same room more than a handful of times. We just energetically vibrate on a similar frequency even though our approach to life and magic is somewhat different. 

Melisa, the owner of the shop that B works at – which is how I met both of them – is an expert in human design types, her website is here. I had a human design consultation with Melisa in February and it was extremely impactful, revealing and explained a lot of why I am the way I am and why being a writer in Central America was so much more aligned with my true calling. It was all written in the stars. Energetically speaking, it was written in the stars on the night I was born. I am a Generator and so is Melisa, our friend B is a Projector. Such different personalities and motivations in life! (The shop, by the way, is cozy and fabulous and has beautiful, quality products. It’s called The Ninth House and hosts events and sells items for meditation, modern magic, spirituality and personal growth, amongst many others. I could not remember the English words to describe The Ninth House, but strangely enough had the Spanish words at the tip of my tongue: “tienda esoterica.” Go figure). Part of my point, which I will need to confirm with Melisa later, is that my human design chart points to the fact that I’m a sail and not an anchor. I didn’t quite pick that concept up until B so lovingly and succinctly threw it at me.

(Excerpt below taken from a Google search/Artificial Intelligence  (AI) summary. Please note: I am a writer and I hate AI trying to replace talented artists – because that’s what writers are – and I hope the little robotic man inside the computer heard me say that!…Okay, let’s carry on):

In Human Design, Projectors and Generators are two of the five distinct types and they differ in their energy, purpose, and approach to life. The main differences between Projectors and Generators in Human Design lie in their energy, purpose, and approach to life. Generators are designed to generate their own energy and manifest their own desires, while Projectors rely on the energy of others to sustain themselves and bring their ideas into reality. Here are a couple key differences:

Energy and Purpose:

Generators: Generators are designed to generate energy and manifest their own lives. They have an innate ability to create and sustain their own energy, which is essential for their well-being and success.

Projectors: Projectors, on the other hand, are designed to project their energy onto others. They don’t have the ability to generate their own energy and instead rely on the energy of others to sustain themselves.

Manifestation:

Generators: Generators have the ability to manifest their own desires and goals through their energy and actions. They are driven by their passions and have a natural ability to bring their ideas into reality.

Projectors: Projectors, however, do not have the ability to manifest their own desires and goals. Instead, they rely on the energy of others to bring their ideas into reality.

B and I continued our conversation and she finished with, “You were never meant to stay in one place. We love seeing your face, knowing you’re safe and are glad you’re back in Tucson right now. Then we hug you and send you on your way again. You’re our little pixie, our fairy, you need to be able to fly.” Huh. How is that possible? I’m the one that doesn’t like being off the ground – flying has always been a challenge – feet very much liking a connection to the earth. But, when given the option to be stuck in one place in order to stay grounded, or flying away to see what adventures and experiences I can have in other places, that’s an easy choice. I’m out the door.